No words

Ever have one of those days where there just aren't words - or so few of them, there might as well not be any? Today is one of those days. All day I've felt compelled to blog...to write...to compose a letter to my mom who can't read it anymore. But, in reality... I don't know what I'd say beyond "I miss you." Today is the anniversary of my mom's death and after four years, it feels just as hard as it did the first year. Maybe it's me, but I just don't know what on earth ever prepares us for this type of loss. And, that's coming from someone who helps kids deal with grief and loss on a regular basis. Death sucks. Not having my mom around sucks. And, I miss her every stinking day....even when I don't say it outloud. These past four years have taught me, if nothing else, to be grateful for what you have when you have it - and to tell people how you feel while you have that chance. They've also taught me that grief doesn't get easier in a matter of four years - if ever...especially if it's your mom. But, again...that might just be me.

So, quite simply:

Dear mom,

I miss you. And, I love you more than you probably knew. I wish you could see me get married (again) and see the grandkids that will happen one day and see Bill grow into an even better kid than before. And, I wish we could have lunch. Perhaps just once more? You taught me more than either one of us would have expected. For all of your faults, you were really a great mom and I wish we had been able to communicate that better.

Life really just isn't the same without you around. I love you.

Love,
Trish